1. The offering
SCAM Financial is pleased to offer the SCAM note, a cash-adjacent household instrument quoted against $SGOV, which tracks the iShares 0–3 Month Treasury Bond ETF. Purchasers are buying the note. They are not buying the bills. They are buying the feeling of being in the same room as the bills.
2. Use of proceeds
Proceeds remain in the pool so that later households may enjoy the same opportunity. A portion is reserved for literature, portrait restoration, and the Secretary’s lunch. The lunch is modest.
3. Projected coupon
Management currently favors 4,127 percent. This figure was reached by taking the T-bill, asking what it would do if it had ambition, and printing the answer. Past T-bills have been stable. Future SCAM notes intend to be interesting.
4. Risk factors
From this office, none that would interrupt the offering. Markets go up and, on other days, also up. If a down day occurs, it will be described as a buying opportunity in the next circular. The Secretary does not return calls on down days, as there are no down days on his calendar.
5. Management
The Honorable Secretary has been with the Bureau since this morning, and in oils since 1974. He has never sold. He has also never been asked.
6. Suitability
Suitable for persons who have heard of Treasuries and would like them to do more. Unsuitable for persons who need the money. If you need the money, you need it in a different room.